What a life, living with vascular dementia It seems that every thing is a struggle. I know the words EVERY THING should be written as EVERYTHING, but by dividing the word, I think that it increases its impact. Literally ALL that I do is a struggle! I struggle to remember. I get embarrassed when I can't remember. I get frustrated when others do not truly understand my condition, and they try to laugh off my incapability.
I'm whining, I know it. I've been living with this condition for over seven years now. The doctors told me when I was first diagnosed that my condition would probably remain stable for five to 10 years. With seven years under my belt, I am getting frightened about the future. How will my condition deteriorate? In what direction will it go?
When I get like this you know**, anxious** I have to turn to the one thing that gives me solace, and that is my God. I refer to him/her as MY God because I feel like we have a real relationship. I can speak and pray about anything and he/she listens. And sometimes, there is a response. That said, I have to listen hard for an answer and sometimes have to be hit over the head with it.
I am struggling at this moment to keep from going off-topic. This is one of the problems that I have, living with vascular dementia. I ramble from topic to topic. I get off course when I'm sent on an errand. I roam the house picking up this and that, never accomplishing much as I never stay in one area long enough to clean it well. I get bored very easily. I get tired of listening to my husband when he speaks to me, where I try to rush him and his thoughts. I try to finish his sentences and then I POP up to do whatever it is that he has asked me to do. However, he's not ready for me to start doing whatever it is, which frustrates me even more.
I cannot be easy to live with. My husband has great patience with me, but I can see the frustration in his face sometimes. I wish it was different. I feel like such a child. I feel an innocence that I don't think is normal in a normal 64-year-old woman. I feel like I could run through the forest, dancing among the flowers and singing some tune of happiness. The smallest things fascinate me!
Is this what my life will turn into? Will I become child-like and happy just to BE? If so, let it come on. Except for the fact that I will no longer be the Leah everyone knew, perhaps I will be the happiest Leah I have ever known"