Is There Hope In A Relationship With A Depressed Man Who Want To Be "Alone"
Originally asked by Community Member mkinser01
Is There Hope In A Relationship With A Depressed Man Who Want To Be “Alone”
I have been in a relationship the love of my life for almost a year now. (jan 1st) and he has been slipping into a episode of depression for the last month. We are both in our early twenties.
His mom sat me down a few months ago & told me on his dads side of the family they have a history of depression & suicide as far back as they can remember. His dad committed suicide christmas eve a few months before he was born. She said as much as she has tried to shield him from this he has a chemical imbalance, mood swings & depression. I had yet to see how bad!
It started with job and not being able to Finnish college (for now) because of it. He moved back in with his parents & got a new job.The pay isn’t that good & he kept telling me how bored he is. He’s very intelligent & his mind isn’t being challenged at his job. He’s a park ranger. He’s made steps to become a State Trooper & has his interview at the end of Jan. I know he has felt “stuck” for a while.
He started by trying to keep his mind busy by learning a new language, re-building a motorcycle & a car.
I started to notice about a month ago his total lose of interest in work. Then came his projects, sex, friends, family and last me. He has been trying to do what he has to appear okay. I know when he’s faking it. We have good days & bad ones where his eyes look empty. He only seems to forget all his problems when he’s drunk & around a large group of people, but when were alone he withdraws again. He said he just feels like being alone.
last sunday we were working on his bike together & he got frustrated & decided he just wanted to go lay down with me. so we spent the night holding each other & he expressed how nice is was to just lay in the quiet.
The next night we went drinking with some of his friends & started talking about our recent intimacy issues. I said we have been running rather cold lately & he said “I know & it’s my fault. I’ve been trying to think of a way to apologize to you. I know everything that’s been going on is effecting our relationship.”
The very next day he sits me down to say “Is it terrible of me to say I want a less of an intimate relationship with you? Things just havent felt the same… at least for me & I don’t think you can be my friend.” I just feel like being alone & I can easily shut everyone out but you, I spend most of my time with you. but I don’t ever want to not know you."
I respond with “I feel sad for you, your missing out on so many happy moments everyday & you have made steps to move forward with your life your just waiting for the world to catch up with you. I just want to know what’s going on with you.”
He says “Your taking this better than I thought & you would probably know better than me what’s going on with me… I just need to be alone.”
I got mad & turned this around on myself & said
“I could do everything right & nothing would be good enough for you.”
He then got pissed & said “Your turning this into something it’s NOT.”
We said nothing else as I left…???
I sould also mention we have a trip to Ireland planned for march & said he still wants to go with me but understands if I hate him & don’t want to go. He said the ball is in my court with all of this. We haven’t spoken in 5 days.
So my question is what do I do & is there even hope for our relationship? His fire is just gone with everything & I don’t know where go from here or how to help him. He’s a psych major & refuses to take meds of any kind even Advil. I’m going to speak to his mom tomorrow & get her insight on everything. Can a depressed man regain his feeling of love after a bout of depression?
I would agree with Donna on this - you could offer to go with him to see a psychiatrist, or if he would even agree to see a therapist, it would be better than nothing, you could at least talk through some things.
You should be careful to take care of yourself, don’t stop living while waiting for him to “come around” because you don’t want to be dragged down into it with him. I understand your wanting to stick it out with him and only you will know how much you can tolerate. I think you’re probably right about his mother seeing things more negatively because of what she’s experienced, but there is some truth to it. Just be careful, you deserve consideration and respect from him. Depression isn’t a good excuse for treating someone badly. I wish you the best and hope you feel free to write here again if it helps. Take care.
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Answered By: Judy