I M Depressed And Jealous As My Girlfriend Has Landed In A High Paying Job ..

Question

Asked by Rahul

I M Depressed And Jealous As My Girlfriend Has Landed In A High Paying Job ..

I have always been a person with low self esteem. I was brought up in a household in which my mother was a house-wife and there was a tumultous relationship between my father and mother.On occassions my father vent his frustrations by physically abusing my mother ,as my mother made derogatory remarks about my fathers personality,family and for being not masculine enough(not sexually).This had been registered in my mind since my childhood and had made a big impression. I developed a very fragile self-esteem due to which I often react aggressively if I am ignored or insulted. Seeing the relationship between my parents I had resolved to be the man my mother wanted my father to be masculine, someone people would respect and moulded my whole life on those lines. My mother also used to blame my father also for not encouraging her to complete her education ,as she was a good student.She often compared him to her father who had a strong personality and was rich ,while my father came from a poor family.They were married when she was very young through a arranged marriage as was the custom in our society then.There were many sleepless nights in my childhood when my parents fought like crazy and which often ended in my father physically abusing my mother.Back then I used to blame my father for everything.But as I grew up I couldn't decide who was to blame and now I feel it doesn't matter whose fault it was as my father has turned into a very dormant person since many years now.Here I must mention that as parents they were both very good and managed to make all of their children succesful.But I have always been insecure all my life fearing I would not be treated with the respect which I want from my wife too.My girlfriend being more succesful than me scares me now. I am vey insecure at the thought of being subjected to insult by her as my wife.Moreover her habit of comparing herself to me terrifies me.She was an ordinary student and managed to be succesful by her sheer hard work later.So she often measures herself against me as I was very sucessful as student."But what if I am not as succesful as her?" this question has been haunting me and I am considering breakup.Moreover I feel the more I tried to become unlike my father the more I have become like him.The same diffident person, who speaks very little and very poor interpersonnel skils,no close frends althhough he was a very good technically. The same resons which contributed to so much unhappiness in my life as a child. I have told no-one of these things in my life ,not even my girlfriend due to her constant portrayal of her parents being perfect and having never witnessed a fight. I fear she won't respect my parents if she comes to know of this stuff.I don't know if there is solution to my problem .But this is the first time I am lettting it out and feels a bit better.I would like to know if anyone can helpme ..shud i break up

Answer

Hello Rahul

First of all I commend you for writing this. You are very honest and genuine and also articulate in describing the issues before you. May we ask if you are coming from an Indian cultural background? It does help to know of any cultural standards which may also influence your feelings about all this.

What we first witness as children about primary relationships is so very critical...it does shape who we choose as romantic partners and why. But please know that you do not have to resume the legacy set by your parents. You have a choice as to how to shape your character and what sort of man you wish to be.

I am going to ask a very honest question. Do you feel resentment towards your mother for how she treated your father? And is there any resentment towards your father for how he abused her?

The thing about relationships is that they are works in progress. At any one time...one partner can be "more successful" than the other or make more money. But in a healthy relationship these things will not matter so much as you are both working together towards a common goal.

Is your girlfriend someone you are considering for marriage? Do you love her? Can you imagine life without her?

If you are serious about this relationship you will have to re-think your views on who makes what money and re-define success. Also...if you carry this theme into other relationships I am afraid they will not work out. This is a great opportunity for you to change your mindset before you do repeat the mistakes of the past.

Ask yourself...would you really want a woman who did not want to be successful? Is your self esteem so fragile that you need to feel as though you are better than your romantic partner? This may be the case but...I fear even if you have things as you think they should be...you will still find ways to be jealous.

I think you need to get away from the competitive mode of thinking and into thinking that you two are a team and your success is her success and that her success is your success.

You are highly perceptive and most people would not come to the connections of your past as you have. Now that this insight and change the course of your life. You are NOT your father. You are you. And your girlfriend is NOT your mother. Be freed from those comparisons.

I hope this helps a little. I am hoping for some male viewpoints on this. Please let us know your thoughts. We are eager to hear them.

Answered by Merely Me