Male Virgin At 29 And Never Dated

Question

Asked by Acorvettes

Male Virgin At 29 And Never Dated




OK, I have read several of questions similar to the one that I am writing about. I will have to say that I am relieved that this is not so uncommon. I work with someone that says that he has a friend that is 26 and a virgin. I think this is mostly due to our society and how we are being self hypnotized from, models in magazines, TV and movies. Not saying that there is anything wrong with that, but most people can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. After all most of the models are done in photo shop.

Back to me, yes I am 29 male and a virgin. I have never been kissed or on a date. I am an only child and I am VERY independent. My family was very religious and sex was something that was never talked about. I wasn't the most popular kid in school and was picked on lots of times, but that was 10 years ago and things have drastically changed. Because of that I strived to work hard and make something of myself. The down side is that I never dated. My job used to require me to do lots of travel to places around the world but I have put my foot down so that I can stay local. I don't want to be one of them always away and married to my job. I have also braked away from some of my mental abuse from my religion through the book by Richard Dawkins The God Delusion, if you are religious and haven't read it I suggest you give it look.

I did have a private problem with drinking 5 years ago but have stopped on my own, I just drink socially now. I deal with my stress with diet and exercise every day this helped with my insomnia somewhat. Most people think I'm nuts for eating the way I do and for having a gym in my house but they don't know that I need it just so I can deal with stress. For most of my life I had problems sleeping due to loneliness and exercise helps a great deal. Basically any problem I had I have dealt with on my own without anybody at my side.

Now that I have bought my first house at 29 my feelings have amplified. I know that I have a major self image problem but this was mostly because of High School. I just recently posted an image of myself on some web site called Hot or Not. I found that after 1500 votes I was a 8.5 so I guess I'm not that bad looking.

Basically I find it hard to tell anybody about my problem. Know one knows that I am a virgin, I just lie about it. It hurts too much to tell anybody. I am trying to change myself just like all the other times but this has to be the hardest thing I have ever done, even over getting a degree and a much bigger jop. I'm currently trying the online dating thing, but most of these web sites are rip offs. I did go out with some people but if they had a female that I didn't know my hart would race and I would start to tremble. Kind of weird considering the business I'm in, if its business I am usually calmer but if its not I can't control my feelings. I'm not sure if I should tell anyone about this or just get some psychological help.

Answer

Hi Acorvettes,

Thanks for writing in. It sounds like you've suffered quite a bit all by yourself, which can be very lonely. I'd encourage you to not worry so much about being a virgin right now, but focus on the issues that have kept you from dating thus far. In other words, it's good to walk before you run!

Psychotherapy could help you greatly to both deal with the past issues that you mentioned as well as help you to develop the social skills that you need to date. Both will help you to sustain a successful relationship, which is far more satisfying that just having sex!

Cognitive Behavioral therapy is useful for addressing social anxiety issues. Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) is appropriate for some people to become free from disturbing events from the past. When we have disturbing events that occur, they can get "locked" in our brains with the original images, thoughts, feelings and body memories. EMDR, which is believed to be similar to what happens during our dream sleep, helps to "reprocess" these experiences and to be free to engage in new behaviors that were previously difficult.

You can look for a therapist in your area by searching the Psychology Today website.

Regards,

Jennifer L. Fee, Psy.D.

The Stress Masters

Answered by Jennifer L. Fee, Psy.D.