I wrote the following about a year ago when I was experiencing the depths of a depressive episode.It does help to write these things down and to share them.I am reminded of the lyrics to an Anna Nalick song entitled “Breathe.”
"2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to"
My hope is that you will read my words and understand that you are not alone.Somewhere out there are people just like you who are feeling this way too.
Here are my words.Use them however you want to.
Moods are as fascinating as the weather. How is it and why is it that one day can be so full of light? But then the dark clouds roll in so unexpectedly and so uninvited. They come anyway and everything changes.
Normally I shy away from public writing when I am like this. But I am going to take a risk here. I want to talk about this. So many people suffer from mood disorders. I want to share my experience so that maybe someone else will know they are not alone. And if you, yourself, aren’t experiencing this, perhaps you know someone who is.
I don’t want this to be some “poor me” diatribe. I have never been into that. But more so. a translation from my world to yours…wherever you may be presently.
I am inviting you here to be with me.
Sometimes it is very difficult to be with someone who is depressed. It all seems so hard to understand. Believe me it is even more confusing for the person experiencing it. You wake up to the same surroundings, the same sun glaring through your window blind, the same furniture, the same four walls, the same you. But yet everything is different. You don’t feel like you anymore.
The feelings creep in…the doubt, the insecurity, the feelings of worthlessness. They breed like cockroaches. And you feel there is no way to stamp them all out. So you lie there and pretend it isn’t happening.
I like to try to think like Spock at such times. I tell myself that this is all illogical. My mind is playing tricks with me. My mood is an illusion based on chaotic chemicals. I remind myself that this biological. The sadness is not me.
But logic only goes so far as we are human feeling beings.
So the choice is do we accept this feeling and just let it come? Or do we try to stop it in its path? There is no right answer. The truth of the matter is you are going to feel some pain no matter what you do.
Vulnerable, helpless, passive. “NO” your mind shrieks as you gear up for some sort of battle. Anger is better than this. But anyone experienced with moods such as these knows better. The anger is merely a hollow fixture to be broken along the way. When the anger leaves you have to deal with the real emotions…sorrow and even emptiness.
We are so down about being down in this society. Take a pill. Shut up. Go love yourself. Buck up. Get over it. Be positive! I think I hate the last cliche the most. As if positivity is something we can retrieve from the kitchen shelf and digest. There is judgement there as well. As though we mustn’t ever show human frailty or vulnerability. It is easier on others if we just smile all the time and say things are fine.
I am sad today. And I am not sure why exactly. There is that too. People including myself look for a reason. It could be a lack of the right chemicals. Or like having a virus or a seizure or any other bodily affliction. We have this societal notion that if we just think a certain way we can cure our minds and bodies. I fear we have made this a cliche as well to think ourselves to wellness. It just doesn’t work that way. Sometimes the world and including our inner mental and physical being is rather chaotic. We don’t have all the control we think we should have. Perhaps the best thing we can do is to accept the sadness as it comes.
So I am just going to feel this, knowing it will pass. Yes i am truly “okay” and I will report about the process. It is a risk to share oneself in a genuine sense.
I have no armor on. I am exposed. And I am very real.
I am hoping this is okay.
This is me too, dark clouds and all.
I am a mother, a writer, and now an MS patient