Premature Ejaculation Pe- Help! Recently Married And Suffering From Pe? I'm Starting Not To Care Abo

Question

Asked by LILCHICK

Premature Ejaculation Pe- Help! Recently Married And Suffering From Pe? I'm Starting Not To Care Abo

about anything anymore. Why should I? I don't feel like he cares about me. My husband and I just had a fight about our sex life. I am sexually frustrated asking him to seek medical attention. I believe he suffers from PE and he doesn't see it as a problem. Often shrugging it off of laughing it off and not acknowledging me when i try to talk about it. I'm feeling angry and feel more and more distant. He says that I shouldn't put it all on him etc. He doesn't feel that he needs to see a doctor. He told me that one shouldn't ask that of their partner. That its not the end of the world??? That it shouldn't be THAT important. We've been together for about 2.5 years and married since last July. I thought it was just stress at first, with a new house, planning a wedding etc...but now there is no excuse. I feel if we don't get help soon we will be in trouble. I love him so much but frustrated that we cannot have a healthy sex life. I miss the closeness. I tried skipping foreplay and get right to intercourse but don't have time to even break a sweat. I know its not all about me here but if someone loves you so much to marry you i think you owe it to that person to at least talk to a doctor. I don't think its selfish. I just want to feel that connection again. I hope he does too. He does use hand stimulation but not all the time leaving me crying in bed, without even realizing that he is causing the way that I am feeling. He says he doesnt' intend to hurt me but I tell him that even though he doesn't intend to, that he is. He are planning to have a family soon but how can we? We don't have intercourse for more than 30 secs and at this point i need our relationship to get stronger before kids get into the mix. I don't want to feel resentful but I am heading in that direction. BTW We are both in our early 30s

Answer

Hi LILCHICK,

Your frustration comes through very clearly. It's a difficult situation, made more difficult by the fact that it appears one sided. The fact that your husband doesn't see a problem and appears not to respond to your worries compounds the issue.

What to do? Based on what you have described I'm assuming that intercourse has always been this way (no longer than 30 seconds). My initial thoughts have been ruled out by what you say is his refusal to seek help. This reduces the options but you may like to try this suggestion. It puts the onus of responsibility on you, but it may be worth a go.

Don't give up foreplay. Maybe use the opportunity to tell him about the positive feelings you have for him, his body, parts of his body even. Hold off criticising or judging his sexual performance and focus instead on the things you like. Keep in mind that you saw enough in this man to marry him in the first place. Maybe buy a couple of informative sex books and have these around in the bedroom. You could use the opportunity to discuss some of the techniques, say what you'd like to try and even laugh at some of the things you both find - well, laughable.

This is going to be something of a process. It does occur to me that your man may have certain beliefs about sex, or has had bad experiences with sex, or has been more used to pornography, that may be the root of the problem. These are wild speculations on my part and It's difficult to tease these out without the proper therapeutic context, but the more he trusts you and the less he feels under pressure there is just a chance he might start to disclose (assuming one or other of these is an issue).

Let me just turn to you for a moment. Your frustration is focused on your sex life but could the issue be deeper than this? I don't want to put ideas in your mind but the tone of your email sounded angry and possible even depressed. I just wonder if the unhappiness in your sex life symbolizes other frustrations that you may not be admitting to yourself?

Answered by Jerry Kennard, Ph.D., CPsychol., AFBPsS