Newsflash: People with disabilities and chronic illness crave sexual satisfaction. What a concept! But “health issues do affect intimacy in a relationship,” says Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., clinical sexologist from Cheyenne, WY, and co-founder of My Sex Toy Guide. “Everything from the condition itself to the side effects of medication can make it harder to have and enjoy sex.” But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. In fact, with a few creative, fun workarounds, you can make your sex life even better than ever—whether you have mobility issues, pain, or sensitivity. We talked to the experts to find the best products—from specialty pillows to super-smooth lubes—that can make sex easier and way more enjoyable.
Prepare for Pain-Free Sex With Dilators
If you’re someone with a vagina who wants vaginal sex but hasn’t been able to have it in some time—due to disability, cancer treatment, chronic pain, or sex-affirming surgery—you can help make your first time back in the saddle (so to speak) easier by using dilators. Dilators, like the ones in the VuVa Smooth Vaginal Dilator Set ($56) or this Curved Silicone Dilator Set ($79), are used to gradually stretch and relax tight or atrophied vaginal muscles, says Heather S. Howard, Ph.D., an AASECT-certified sex counselor and educator at The Center for Sexual Health and Rehabilitation in San Francisco, CA. Once you can comfortably insert the smallest-sized dilator all the way into your vagina, you’re ready to try the next larger size. Use them as often and for as long as feels comfortable until you're able to use the desired size easily and without pain. Sound like something you don't want to try on your own? Consulting with a pelvic floor physical therapist can be extremely helpful in getting comfortable using a dilator. Ask your primary-care provider for a referral, or visit this site to locate a therapist yourself.
Try Donuts for Pelvic Pain
No, not the fried dough rings (though a classic chocolate glazed can solve most problems). Ohnut Buffer Rings ($65 for a set of four) are stackable spongy donuts designed for the whopping one in seven women in the United States who suffers from chronic pelvic pain, per latest research published in StatPearls. Pelvic pain may be caused by endometriosis, ovarian fibroids, pelvic inflammatory disease, dysmenorrhea, irritable bowel syndrome, and many other conditions, and it can make deep vaginal penetration excruciating, says Dr. Howard. The Ohnut rings slip around the base of your partner’s penis so that you can control how far it can go in.
Ease Pain and Pressure With Pillows
If you have back, hip, or pelvic pain, the standard missionary position is probably going to be very uncomfortable…and what’s sexy about discomfort? Strategically placing pillows, like the firm but moldable Pillo ($95), under your hips or back can alleviate pressure and better align your pelvis to receive penetration (if penetration is your thing, of course!). “Use pillows however they make sense for you, whether it’s to allow for more shallow penetration if you have deep pelvic pain, reduce rubbing against a sensitive or sore spot, or to give yourself better leverage,” says Dr. Howard.
Try Full-Body Positioners for Even More Support
For people with more debilitating joint pain or mobility issues, more support is always better. Positioners like the Liberator Wedge Ramp Combo ($279) are the ergonomic office chairs of sex, angling your pelvis and back for optimal “productivity.” “They help relieve pressure on body joints so you can have sex for longer without feeling fatigued,” says Sommer. They come in different sizes for all body types and, don’t worry, the covers are all machine washable. Need something more affordable (and, bonus, portable!)? Try the Lynx Inflatable Sex Position Pillow ($40).
Get Into the Swing of It
While they might sound like the epitome of kink, sex swings can be extremely therapeutic for people with mobility issues as well, says Dr. Howard. In the same way that pillows and positioners provide cushioning support, a swing like the Screamer Dual Hook Sex Swing ($240) allows for weightless support, she says, making them great for people with spinal cord issues. A swing mounted on the ceiling or used with a wheelchair hoist is a better option than the over-the-door type because it allows for more range of motion. Most wheelchair users already have some kind of ceiling mount above their bed anyway, she says, so clipping on a sex swing can still be discreet.
Straps Can Help, Too
Just like those assisted pull-up machines or Smith Machines facilitate strength training, sex straps can help make thrusting easier and safer, especially if you or your partner have back or hip injuries. The I Like It Doggy Style Strap ($24) (yes, it’s really called that and no, we won’t tell anyone, either) can give you that extra oomph without the extra ouch (or the risk of pulling a weak muscle!). Because one of you can use your arms to pull the other up and in, you can achieve mutually satisfying angles that might otherwise require hard-to-maintain positions. Think of straps as the (way) sexier version of a bathtub support bar: They help you get in and out much more easily.
Let the Sex Toys Do the Work
For people with rheumatoid arthritis, the joints in the hands and wrists are commonly affected by inflammation, making them stiff and painful to move. It can be painstaking enough using your fingers just to zipper a coat, let alone manually pleasure yourself or your partner, says Dr. Howard. For women and the people who want to please them, that’s where vibrators come in. If you’re able to grip a handle, the modern classic Lelo Smart Wand ($120) will be your best friend. If not, look for a rabbit dildo that offers vaginal and clitoral vibration, like the Lovehoney Jessica Rabbit 10-Function Rabbit Vibrator ($40), for hands-free stimulation.
Let the Sex Toys Do the Work, Part II
For men and the people who want to please them, male masturbators like the Pulse Solo Essential ($100) can create maximum pleasure with minimal exertion and hand discomfort. Just place it on the penis and press “on”! Likewise, the Lovense Max 2 ($99) is a penile sleeve that simulates the feel and contractions of a vagina. Both of these products can be controlled remotely (though you’ll have to spring for an extra $90 to get the remote capability with the Pulse Duo Lux), which means you can direct the action even if you’re not physically able.
Pick a Skin-Friendly Lube
If you have a chronic skin condition like eczema or psoriasis, sex can trigger more than just orgasms. The wrong kind of lubrication can cause flares and painful sensitivity. Look for either a water-based or silicone-based lube, recommends Dr. Howard. Water-based ones won’t directly irritate your skin, she says, “but they dissolve quickly, so you either have to reapply often or risk painful friction.” Silicone-based products “last longer and are Ph-balanced, so they tend to be more protective of skin and less likely to risk infection.” Her picks: Good Clean Love Almost Naked ($13 for 4 oz.) and Sliquid Silver ($20 for 2 oz.). What to avoid: parabens, glycerin, and propylene glycol.
Let Go of Shame and Shyness
It's normal to feel weird about trying new things when it comes to sex. But sex toys and tools are just aids—like the shoe inserts you wear or the cane you might use—to make your life easier and less painful. "It's all about having the freedom to experience pleasure, even if you can't do it entirely on your own," says Dr. Howard. After all, sex and self-pleasure shouldn't be something you have to give up just because your body has different needs. Everyone has a right to have sex, in whatever way works for them. That’s not weird, that’s human!