**** Dear Miss A,**** It has been a little less than a year since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. We went out for two years, and broke up at a time when we both had a lot of outside stress on us. Anyways, we've stayed in touch this whole time, and email and text every couple of weeks. I started dating again a couple of months ago. I love spending time with him. He's so funny and really good to me. Even though we spend every weekend together, for some reason I can't stop thinking of the times I had with my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes, I wonder if I should try to get him back. He certainly wasn't perfect, and neither is the new guy I'm dating. I'm just so confused. Should I move on with the new guy? My birthday was a few days ago, and I didn't get a call or email from my ex. Does this mean he doesn't care? What should I do?**** Thanks,**** Confused Birthday Girl**
Dear Confused Birthday Girl,
You clearly have feelings for both of these guys. It doesn't sound like you took time to properly deal with your break-up, and feelings for your ex-boyfriend. This isn't fair to the new guy you are seeing. It also sounds like you haven't given yourself sufficient space from your ex-boyfriend. I don't think you should be emailing and texting him, as this will keep you emotionally attached to him. It's understandable that you still have fond memories of your ex-boyfriend. With the passage of time, we tend to remember the good, and forget the bad. Just remember, there was a reason you broke up.
From your email, it sounds as if you have started sleeping with the new guy. You should be aware that during sex, a chemical called oxytocin is released, and causes women to bond with their partner. According to Dr. Beverly Whipple, Secretary General of the World Association for Sexual Health, "Oxytocin increases in our systems during orgasm (for men and women) and during childbirth (it's what bonds mothers to their babies). It's released into our bloodstreams in response to breast or vaginal stimulation, as well." Some modern women today seem to think they can "hook up" without any emotional attachment, but it literally goes against our very nature.
I think you are very much attached to both your ex-boyfriend, and the new guy. I suggest you take some time to yourself away from both men. Let that oxytocin work it's way out of your system, Honey! You need to think clearly! You need space, so that you can assess where your feelings truly lie. Once you have taken the time to sort things out, you need to cut off all contact with whichever guy you decide against. It's fine to be civil and friendly when you see an ex-boyfriend out, but you need space from your ex's in order to move on.
I hope that this helps! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know how things go!
- Miss A