Why Continue Living?
Asked by Shadowfire
Why Continue Living?
I'm going to summarize my life here, and then YOU tell ME why I should stick around. My earliest memories are of being molested as a child, by family and otherwise, and my father and mother screaming obscenities at each other. My mother left, and for the next 15 years (5-20 years old) I almost never saw her. My father raised me, and loves me dearly, and I have a fantastic amount of respect for what he's done, and I love him with all of my heart. I got older, was abused by my stepmother and stepbrothers, to the point I became a total recluse in my room. My father left her and we moved to a new town, where I became close with a bunch of boys, most my age, some older brothers of the others, etc. I had decided to save my virginity for my wife (Yes, wife, I'm a guy) until I was ridiculously drunk with the guys one night, and a good female friend of mine took care of me. The guys led me to believe something had happened, because they thought I wanted to "get laid" like everyone else, and she was so embarassed and hurt by their (ultimately untrue) insinuations that she would not speak with me, as she believed I had something to do with the rumors spreading as well. I dated another girl for a while, but she was very high maintenance and wanted to move really, really fast, so I dumped her (We'll say her name is Alice). I met another girl I was so asininely attracted to (the attraction was mutual) that I couldn't imagine living another moment without her (We'll call her Amy). Alice was incredibly jealous, and asked to speak with me one evening. When I arrived, she handed me a drink, unbeknownst to me it was drugged (With what, I don't know.) I woke up, and saw a polaroid photo of her on top of me (naked) next to my pillow, with "Thanks for the good time" written on it. I called Amy to tell her what happened and she told me she already had a photo, we were through, and if she ever saw me she'd kill me. I find days later that Amy has gone and slept with the ENTIRE group of guys I was socializing with, and when I go to question them, they all attack me. Surprisingly, I won, but I had no friends left, no girlfriend, and couldn't even tell my father (He worked so hard he was oblivious to all of it). I met another guy named Josh that I confide in, and he helps keep me tied to this world through the next 2 years that I do nothing but torment myself, day and night. My body started to shut down, simply because I wanted to die so badly (But told myself I hadn't suffered enough to earn that right yet). I get back with Amy, and every time I hold her in my arms, it truly becomes excruciating physical agony. My father marries a woman who believes every belief I have is WRONG and EVIL because "God told her so." Josh meets a girl he likes, my current fiancee (We'll say her name is Samantha). Sam falls for me instead, despite my urgings to date Josh, and we drop out of high school and move in together. Three years later she breaks down one day, and tells me she can't keep it a secret anymore. She slept with Mike (Her boyfriend before me) once after we started dating. I say, It's okay... I know. You never wanted to tell me, but I knew... Then she informs me that she's been sleeping with Josh who had been crashing at my place because he was drunk, underage, and couldn't go home to mom and dad. On my way to kill Josh, I call him and he tells me that she had a threesome with an ex-boyfriend of hers and a friend of hers I hated because of her reputation to do things like that. She confirms, and I nearly have a breakdown. I finally pull out of it and see that I either have to hate one of them, (Josh or Samantha) and falsely blame them in my mind, OR hate them both and walk away. I chose to hate Josh, because it was easier. Not long ago, I found where she was e-mailing nude and rather explicit photos of herself to a former co-worker who'd moved away (She reconnected with him on facebook). I'm still with her, because if I leave her, I know I'll wind up with Amy again, and I KNOW that I will lose myself to the beast inside of me... I tried to enter the Army, a dream of mine since I was a kid. I get a perfect score on the entry exam, qualifying me for ANY job (something a 15-year recruiter had never seen). Next day, I do my physical, and get disqualified from military service due to high blood pressure (It's okay to have high blood pressure in the military, just not to get INTO the military). I decide to go for a lesser avenue, pursue being a police officer (Not to be detrimental to officers out there, but it is a less dangerous job). Too bad I find out that we are laying cops off in my area, not hiring them. I'm working a crappy job, with no way to advance myself in any area I want, and with a cheater, because it's better than being with Amy. I think. All I know now... is rage. And sadness, but much more rage. I tell people how I feel, but I never get over it. I can't let go, because I already have, but for me... It's like rage is a drug. No, a poison, or even a disease. No matter how much steam I blow off, it's always there... The more I try to get rid of it, the stronger it comes back... I don't know how many more days I can take before I snap completely and kill a lot of people (At least it'll only be people that wronged me). I feel like my sanity is stretched so thin, it's barely there, and this is my last call for help before I end myself, so I don't go off the "deep end" and end somebody else. A lot of somebodies.
The bottom line is we don't want you harming yourself or other people. It sounds as though you have been a victim in your life as a child but now growing up...you are continuing to experience much drama in your life. It is my opinion that a break from all these people who cause so much drama and craziness in your life...may save your life.
How about a fresh clean slate?
Do you feel that your anger and rage are because of your life circumstances or due to your biology? Depression for men can manifest more as rage. And I am wondering if this is partially biological...whether or not medication or diet/supplements can help. I know it may seem farfetched but it could be one element to help balance out your mood.
Things happen in life we don't like. Life isn't fair. And I am not telling you anything new. But revenge for these things...doesn't really work. I think that you may feel lost without your anger. It may be hard for you to experience feeling sadness, hurt, and vulnerability. But this may be what needs to happen for you to lose that fuel of anger.
The best revenge is to lead a happy life...to move on from the chaos and emerge transformed. You have the opportunity to do that.
I do hope we hear back from you. Let us know what is happening.