For years, every Thanksgiving I’d herd my little family of four and my Labrador retrievers into my SUV and we’d go over the river and through the woods (well, really onto the expressway and through the town of Amherst) to Nana’s house. It was always a big treat to enter her warm, roomy and welcoming home. There were plenty of toys, a Boston terrier to snuggle with, and food. Piles of food filled the fridge and covered the counters.
But as soon as I unloaded the kids and dogs into Nana’s loving arms, I’d spend 20 minutes doing a safety check of the kitchen and pantry. While Nana would usually remember to put her peanut butter on a top shelf, safe from chubby toddler hands, there were usually plenty of cookies and cakes that had nuts and sesame. And wait, is that her beloved brisket in the fridge, covered with mouthwatering gravy… and peas?!
All these ingredients may sound benign, but they’re things my oldest son, Teddy, is allergic to. Depending on the allergen, they can even trigger a life-threatening reaction, known as anaphylaxis.
I never blamed Nana. She parented a generation where food allergies were seemingly nonexistent. You can excuse her for not fully understanding why certain dishes for her grandson—namely peanuts, tree nuts, sesame, fish (but not shellfish), lentils, and peas—were off-limits. I’m his mom, and it makes my head hurt to rattle off the list sometimes.
The holidays, which normally are a source of joy and nourishment, can be a source of never-ending anxiety if you’re the parent of a child with food allergies. You can’t just sit down for Thanksgiving dinner, or Christmas lunch, or a Hanukkah celebration, without first grilling whomever is hosting the event, about ingredients.
But over the years, I’ve come up with some tips and tricks to help Teddy and myself navigate the holiday season. Here’s what I’ve learned, in the hopes that it will help you, too.
Offer to Host at Your Home
Hands down, this is my favorite option, because I stay in control of what’s served. My house means only “safe” foods are there for Teddy. When Nana walked in the door loaded with goodies, I was able to unpack them, and scour ingredient lists while she greeted her grandkids. Anything suspect went straight into the trash—and she never knew the difference.
There’s another advantage to hosting at home: If someone does bring in a food that contains an allergen, you can designate and supervise a separate area where it can be served. That’s what happened earlier this year, when the dinner I catered for Rosh Hashanah turned out to come with a dessert that contained nuts. I put the offending item on a separate serving cart in a corner of the kitchen, alerted Teddy as to where it was and why he couldn’t eat it, and let the other guests finish it off.
Offer to Help Your Host
If you are heading to a relative’s holiday dinner, call in advance and ask if you can assist in planning the menu and shopping for ingredients. This way, you’re bound to have at least a few items there that will be safe. You can also suggest that you bring a few allergen-free options. I’ve often offered to bring desserts and side dishes, for example, because those provided by the host may harbor hidden allergens. Meanwhile, I know that Teddy can eat my homemade items safely. (Another bonus: He can help me plan and shop, so I ensure I’m bringing things he likes.)
Don’t Worry About Being a Pain in the Butt
Repeat after me: It is not being difficult if you call the host in advance and ask for an ingredient list, or ask them to save labels from any products they use so that you can look at them when you’re there. Just do it ahead of time, so they can prepare. (There’s nothing like a frazzled host fishing labels out of the garbage while they have 20 people waiting for dinner in their dining room.)
Still worried? Put it in perspective. What will ruin their evening more? Hunting down an ingredient list, or having your child go into anaphylaxis during dinner? Nothing ruins a big night faster than a slew of paramedics tromping through the living room. Trust me, your host is more concerned about Uncle Bob getting sloshed and spouting off about politics. Accommodating your child’s food allergies is a piece of cake (pardon the pun) in comparison.
Feed Your Kid in Advance
For years, Teddy was given a big meal of all his favorite foods before we even left the house for a holiday event. Why? Because if he had a full tummy, he was less likely to try to grab things without first checking with Mommy whether it was safe. I also always brought a container full of his favorite allergy-friendly treats and snacks. Yes, it’s OK for them to have five brownies in one evening as long as it comes from your allergy-friendly cooler. If it means you don’t have to worry and can even enjoy a glass of wine (or two), it’s a win for everyone.
Bribe Your Kid
I’m only half joking here. You need to teach your child as soon as they learn to talk that they either have to a) vet everything with you before they eat it or b) ask the host themselves what ingredients are in each item. Up until the age of seven or eight, you’ll need to go with option a. I used to tell Teddy that I’d reward him with a special treat if he checked with me at a holiday party or event before he ate anything. It doesn’t have to be big—even just an extra hour of screen time. You want them to learn the habit of checking before they eat anything new.
Which brings us to option b: asking the host themselves. Eventually, they are going to go to parties and events on their own. They need to learn how to advocate for themselves. A holiday dinner is actually a great time for them to do that, when you’re standing a few feet away to supervise. View it as just another rite of the holiday season. Before you eat and drink, check the labels. Then be merry.