How to Prepare Yourself and Your Child for The College Transition

An excerpt from Alexander's forthcoming book, "10+ Things I Wish I'd Known About Mental Health in College."

The excitement of preparing to start college impacts the whole family. But sending your child off to school isn't just about getting all their toiletries in order and picking out a new comforter! There's a lot going on emotionally that's hard to see. Every one may appear excited but it's a different story under the surface.

In your head and your heart—and theirs, too—conflicting emotions are duking it out. Most days you wear a brave face but you may be secretly dreading their departure. It's going to be tough to let go and you may feel anxious about all of the uncertainty that lies ahead. Plus, you're going to miss them like h***.

Let me fill you in on a little secret...they are struggling, too.

In my work as a college counselor, and a mom of two fairly recent college graduates, I've noticed that very few families consider the long-term impact of the experience.

College is a milestone. A huge step and a major transition for both the student and their parents. (If the child leaving for college is also ushering in the start of the empty nest, well, that's a whole other thing for another article!)

Acknowledging your feelings and permitting yourself to experience them helps, but many families cope with difficult feelings in other ways (frustration and impatience I SEE you...) that can add stress to the transition.

When I was in growing up, I got in the habit of checking in on my mom before I went to bed. (Her bedtime was a lot earlier than mine.) I liked turning down her electric blanket (she didn't need it on high all night) and turning off the TV in her bedroom. This was how I always ended my day and was the way I said good night to her.

Fast forward to living away from home...

Mom wasn't down the hall anymore so I couldn't check in on her. I also couldn't stop worrying that her TV was probably blasting and her electric blanket was up too high. But if I was going to get any sleep at all, I had to learn to accept that she'd be okay without me. The end of that ritual made me really miss my mom, especially at bedtime.

Whether they realize it or not, your child also has cherished routines that they will miss. Saying goodbye to family members, along with the old routines and familiar comforts of home, is a type of loss that is a normal part of growing up. It's not easy but it's necessary.

Many people associate grief with death or the end of a relationship—not going off to college. But leaving an old life to start a new one changes the family dynamic and involves loss for everyone in the family.

Understanding and trying to anticipate some of that loss will set you and your child up for a smoother transition.

Every cell in your body has a memory component. Even though you may not consciously recall a memory, your body may miss sounds and scents that remind it of home.

Kids tell me they miss hearing the sounds of their parents in the kitchen when they wake up in the morning. The aroma of breakfast cooking in the kitchen. The way their bedroom carpet feels on their feet. The way the electric garage door sounds when it opens and closes as family members head out the door.

Many become aware of the absence of sounds on campus as well, like commuter trains or sirens.

Just because you aren't actively thinking about a memory, doesn't mean your body isn't processing your experiences. It takes some time for the body and the senses to adjust. When college kids return home for the first time, they experience those senses again and appreciate them even more.

Separating from the family is more difficult for some adolescents than it is for others. Depending on your child's disposition and temperament you can expect to see some frustration.

At this stage of development, adolescents think they are ready to handle it all. Many want to do all the planning themselves and resent their parents' intervention and unsolicited advice. What should be a fun process becomes fraught with emotion as they navigate leaving home with one foot in childhood and the other one out the door.

Your child may be asking themselves questions like, What if my roommate snores? What if the food is awful? What if I can't find my way around campus? What if I get bad grades?

Instead of coping with these very legitimate worries by talking to you (or a therapist), they get antsy and may seem more difficult to be around.

This is grief but it's masked as frustration, impatience, anxiety, and sometimes anger. They may not be aware of their feelings or lack the language to articulate them.

Try to talk through the process calmly at a time when they aren't in the middle of packing bags, making decisions about room decor, or navigating the class registration process. Here are some questions to ask:

• How are you feeling about moving on campus? (Excited, worried, ready to go, anxious, etc.)

• What are some things I'm doing to help you prepare for college that you find irritating and why?

• What are some tasks you would like to do for yourself? (Choosing your sheets and towels, making flight arrangements, etc.)

• As you pack up to go, is there anything making you feel sad?

If this conversation makes you feel weepy and emotional, it's okay. Coming to terms with your student's new level of independence can be a shock. If seeing you get emotional upsets your child, that's okay too.

Sadness and grief are nothing to be ashamed of. Tears are the body's way of processing complex experiences. My advice is to hug it out and keep going.

While finalizing the details for our oldest son’s move into college housing, I turned to ask a question and found him in a long embrace with his dad. They both had tears in their eyes and the room got very quiet—it was probably a little awkward for his roommate, whom he'd known for all of 20 minutes. His sister and I teared up, too.

It is perfectly normal to dread the impending move-in date, so you may recognize some stalling and unnecessary delays to avoid the final goodbye. It helps to decide ahead of time how the family will handle the final step in the transition.

If your family is spiritual, saying a prayer together in the room might be comforting. Maybe having dinner together in the college dining hall feels like the right way to mark the moment. Some families prefer to say goodbye quickly so their child can get on with the business of getting to know the stranger(s) they will be sharing a room with for the months ahead.

Take a few moments on the way to campus—or even in the days before leaving home—to ask for their thoughts about it.

Some adolescents adjust more quickly during separation than others. The reasons are varied. It could be the quality of the relationship prior to leaving home or even the child's (or parents') insecurities.

The important part is communicating with one another prior to the time of separation and being transparent. Most parents know their child's disposition. So, if your child has struggled with separation anxiety in the past—at summer camp or before overnight stays, for example—spend some time talking about it in advance.

Other kids shift more easily between environments, but it's still helpful to assure them you'll be supportive if it's different this time. Remind them that you're only a phone call away.

Once everyone has settled into their new daily routine, with parents at home and students on campus, don't be surprised if another wave of grief arises.

The amount of time it takes for each to settle into the college student's new life depends on a variety of variables including how far away the student is from home, the number of roommates the student has, etc. If your child has never had to share a bedroom with others, this new arrangement may really feel awkward. Picky eaters can also have early adjustment issues.

For parents, marital status can be a factor. If you're divorced and uninvolved with a partner at the moment, it may feel extra lonely right now. Full-time work can be a godsend as it provides structure and much-needed routine to days no longer filled with child-related tasks and activities. Community support from neighbors or your church can be helpful during this transitional period when everything just feels strange.

What's important to remember is that accepting—and adjusting to—your new role and your new life will take time. Not long after my son went to school, I found myself sitting in the kitchen just staring out the window. When I re-entered reality, I realized it was the after-school/before dinner time of day that my kids would normally be looking for me. But no one was home now...

Expect the adjustment to take anywhere from a few weeks to the full semester.

Be available to listen to your college student, but if you're having a difficult time, resist the urge to burden them with the intensity of the separation process on you. If you sense your child is struggling, encourage them to reach out for professional guidance on campus.

• Be honest with yourself. It's okay to have intense emotions. If others in your position seem to be celebrating the "empty nest" phase of life with glee, that doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with you. Many parents feel sad, scared, and lonely in the weeks and months after their child's departure. Sometimes feelings of loss and celebration exist at once. That's also totally normal.

• Dream a little. If you've been saving every cent for college tuition, it's probably been a minute since you treated yourself to anything. Honey, now is the time to give yourself a gift! Get that pedicure. Visit an old friend who lives in another state. Clean out that closet that's been gnawing at you. Finally, start a regular fitness routine. Whatever brings you joy, do it!

• Seek the company of others. There's nothing like the wisdom of people who have been there before. Connecting with a few people who have ushered their kids off to college—and lived to tell about it—can be really encouraging.

• Try journaling. Reflecting and recording your feelings can help you process the conflicting emotions. You may be feeling pride about having a college student, fear at them being away from home, sadness at the changes in your life, and even a bit of anger or regret, too.

• Connect with a therapist. If you're feeling really stressed or overwhelmed you may benefit from having a few sessions with a mental health professional. Here are some signs of struggle: if you're calling your college student more than they are calling you or they stop answering your calls, you may need help navigating your new role.

The shift from home to college is a monumental juncture in the parent/child relationship and it should not be taken lightly. Your college student needs to know they are supported when they leave home but you may need support for your emotions, too. Self-care is really important during times of stress. If you treat yourself with the same love and respect you give to your family, you'll feel nourished and ready for the next challenge.

Remember, parenting doesn't end when they move away from home!