Forgiveness: How to Let Go of Hurt So You Can Feel Better in 11 Steps

There is very good reason to learn how to forgive anyone who has hurt you and left you with a deep emotional wound. In fact, forgiveness is essential to wellness. So many mental health problems, especially depression, anxiety, and addiction, are rooted in unresolved feelings of pain and hurt that we have the power to resolve through the practice of forgiving.

In the process of forgiving, you free yourself from victimhood and start to move forward. Instead of spending your time hating, resenting, ruminating, and asking “Why did this happen to me?”, you will be released from the pain of those emotional wounds and able to look clearly ahead to begin your life anew. You will instead be able to ask, “What’s next?”

To some degree, all of us suffer from what I call a “love wound.” The only differences among any of us are the specifics and degree of our individual trauma. Love wounds affect our sense of goodness, our interconnectedness to others, and our sense of living in a safe and loving universe. It’s also a wounding of our capacity to love ourselves and others.

This love wound is the source of tremendous distress and suffering from depressive thinking, anxiety, loneliness, shame, anger, and addictive behaviors. Only through healing these wounds can we ease our emotional pain and treat the resulting mental health issues that have led to deep feelings of loneliness, anger, depression, anxiety, and a sense of emptiness.

Until we forgive, we may continue to “medicate” and cover-up these feelings with excessive alcohol, recreational drugs, or behaviors like gambling, out-of-control shopping, unhealthy eating, or sexual pursuits that go beyond the pale.

Like most of us, I was wounded growing up and have also wounded others. As an adult, I suffered through a traumatic divorce, which was made even more traumatic by my estrangement from my two sons. In my work as a psychiatrist and healer, I concentrate on easing the pain of others, but I have also had to tend to my own pain and heartbreak.

Pain is universal, unavoidable, and as I will discuss, often even necessary and good. Think about it: the experience of joy wouldn’t be possible if it weren’t balanced by pain. In the universal play of opposites, joy and pain will be with us as long as we exist.

You can’t resolve your pain if you don’t actually feel your pain. You must feel it if you want to heal it. There are ways to open to your pain gradually, without getting overwhelmed. Willingness is key. Easing your pain will require some effort, but it’s well worth that effort! Don’t give up. It can take time to reverse the trauma and damage to our lives.

Anger is a kind of painful resentment that we feel toward others or ourselves. We’re liberated from these poisonous feelings when we can grace ourselves with forgiveness—of self and others.

Forgiveness isn’t something you can simply decide to do, however. True forgiveness comes from cultivating the conditions necessary for it to take hold. How do you cultivate forgiveness? First, realize that we’re all wounded and have wounded others. We wound others and ourselves out of narrow self-concern or out of ignorance, and everyone struggles with this human condition.

Stop and consider the costs of resentments. How do they affect your mood and outlook? Look at the consequences of the urge to self-righteously nurse grudges, and notice how hate and anger snuff out your joy. Seeing this will help those resentments loosen their grip on you. Seek to understand the causes and conditions that drove you or your offender to harm. Your understanding will promote compassion and forgiveness for all our suffering and ignorance.

Picture the person who wounded you as a small child. See that we were all once innocent, and none of us chose our genes, parents, or the circumstances we experienced growing up. Recognize how these conditions drive us, and others, to act as we do. At first, it may be easier to forgive that child than it is to forgive the adult. Since awareness grows with experience and inquiry, recognize that we can forgive ourselves and others for our lack of awareness in the past.

Resentments are a result of unrealistic expectations. We feel resentment when we expect Reality to be other than what It is. In order to let go of resentment, we must let go of the need to be perfect and for life to go exactly our way.

Forgiveness can be thought of as a practice involving a number of steps. Some, you can move through quickly; others will take longer. It is a very individual process. If you're reading this and find you've already worked through some of these steps, there's no need to repeat them. Just move on to the next. If necessary, revisit previous steps.

#1. Grieve.

The path to forgiveness is through our pain. You must go through the process of grieving your losses, disappointments, and traumas to arrive at forgiveness. First, you need to acknowledge the harm that was done to you. This includes hurt, betrayal, rage, vengeance, guilt, shame, and fear.

Fully recognize and honor your pain. Then, you must process your pain and put it into perspective. A key step to recovery is to share the harm done to you with a small group of people you trust, so that you don’t suffer alone. Ask for help when you need it.

As part of your processing and recovery, you’ll eventually let go of anger, shame, guilt, or responsibility for the offender’s actions. As you grieve, your pain will naturally ease. Bear in mind, however, that you may need a therapist to help you through this process.

#2. Reflect on the benefits of forgiveness versus the costs of holding grudges.

Pay attention to how grudges have poisoned your life and caused you harm. Your resentments will lessen when you see how they’re harming you and you resolve to forgive, for your own sake.

#3. Honor your emotions.

Ignoring your pain will prevent true forgiveness. Remember that there’s no forgiveness of others without anger, sadness, and hurt. If you’ve hurt others, there’s no self-forgiveness without first passing through the throes of remorse.

#4. Stop blaming.

Don’t make anyone responsible for your feelings, actions, well-being, or life. If you do this, you’ll remain a victim the rest of your life. Take complete and total responsibility for your life, your joy, your attitude, and your actions. Also, take responsibility for how you respond to whatever happens in your life. Practice kind and firm assertiveness, avoiding the extremes of aggressiveness and passivity. Your goal is to protect yourself from further harm.

#5. Seek to understand what drove you and others to neglect or harm someone.

See that we all struggle with selfishness, self-clinging, self-preoccupation, and aggression. We hurt each other out of pain or ignorance, and we all have deficiencies in our capacity to love.

#6. Practice humility.

Let go of the need to be perfect and for life to always go your way. Remind yourself that life is about all life, and not just about you.

#7. Let go of unrealistic expectations.

We feel resentful when we expect Reality (people, places, things, situations) to be other than what simply is. Instead, expect things to be exactly as they are.

#8. Remember the sacredness of all things.

All people are sacred and deserving of your utmost respect and reverence due to the mere fact of their existence. Your unconditional reverence even extends to those who have harmed you, and it extends to you.

See judgment for what it is: a fiction we apply to the Reality that determines its supposed “goodness” or “badness.” Release yourself and others from judgment, and recognize that it’s simply not your place to judge yourself or anyone else. This will enable you to accept and love yourself and others for who both you and they are—perfectly imperfect and human.

#9. Wish your offenders well.

It’s hard to have resentments against people when you’re wishing them well. Over time, the benefits of this practice will bring greater peace inside you.

#10. Forgive yourself.

Just as you cultivate forgiveness for others, cultivate self-forgiveness by applying all of these same practices to yourself. Remind yourself of your common humanity with others and have compassion for yourself. You are no different and no less deserving of forgiveness than anyone else.

#11. Move on.

There’s little merit to obsessing about how we victimized others or were victimized ourselves. Ultimately, immersing yourself in your painful past becomes a way of avoiding moving forward in life.

You have a choice: you can be a victim, hate those who harmed you, and ruminate on “why did this happen to me?” or you can ask, “what do I do now?” Release yourself from victimhood by no longer making anyone else responsible for your well-being.

Learn from the past, and let it go. It doesn’t exist any longer; there’s only this present moment.

If you are trying to improve your mental health and overcome addiction, anxiety, or depression, forgiveness is essential. The decision to forgive often involves letting go of deep rage and resentment toward another person or group of people, or even events or circumstances, such as an illness that has devastated your life or that of someone you love. Forgiveness almost always starts with releasing any anger, guilt, or shame you feel about yourself.

Everyone is driven by self-concern. As you become more aware and “awakened,” you will be able to experience self-concern and concern for others as the same thing. When you see things from a “unicentric” (concerned with everyone) point of view rather than an “egocentric” (only concerned only with oneself) view, your judgments will recede, and you’ll be able to cultivate forgiveness. You’ll also be able to forgive those who don’t see this yet.

We want to acknowledge our wounds and process the pain so we can heal. Changing our relationship to what happened can help us tolerate the pain without becoming overwhelmed, depressed, or enslaved to it or to any resulting addiction. If you have significant trauma in your past, a good trauma therapist (see resources, below) can help you with this work.

The ability to forgive is a personal strength that promotes both physical and psychological healing. Scientific studies have found that self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others result in happiness, a peaceful mental state, and a much-needed sense of life satisfaction and relief.

There are no downsides.

Working with a trained counselor can be a helpful way to work through complex relationships and difficult emotions. You can look for a qualified therapist using the online therapist finder tools in any of the following organizations:

• The International Society for The Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD)

• The American Psychological Association Psychologist Locator. You can also search for psychologists in your state using their state directory.

• Anxiety and Depression Association of America