Dating with Crohn’s disease, one word comes to mind when I first had to start taking on this challenge … UUUGGGGHHHH! The anxiety that came with it was horrific, and sometimes I wondered if it was even worth it. On the other hand, why should I just accept being alone, or not living life with the excitement that can come along with meeting someone new? I didn’t want to miss out on any of these experiences, so I was determined to figure out what I needed to do in order to make dating enjoyable for not only me, but potential partners as well. These are a few pieces of advice that have worked for me (and, I hope, for the people I have dated).
Be Confident
This one is simple to say, but harder to put into action when you’re out there dating. But confidence is everything when it comes to both managing and talking about Crohn’s disease.
Let’s paint a picture: We sit down in front of someone who we find interesting and start up a conversation, only to find our voice stuttering—we’re clearly nervous. Something is on the back of our minds, and we hesitantly say: “I have something I need to tell you.” What do we expect a person to think when we begin to talk about Crohn’s in this way? Of course they’re going to be scared—because you’re obviously scared. What if we took a different approach? What if we started off the conversation with confidence, saying: “Hey, not a big deal but I have something I’d like to share with you. Nothing you have to worry about, but I’d rather just put it out there, so we can move on and enjoy the rest of the night.” Now the person on the other side of the conversation is going to have a completely different thought process going into what you have to say about your chronic condition.
We don’t always feel confident, so it’s a bit of a fake-it-till-you-make-it situation. I’ve actually practiced these conversations with friends before a date, almost like roleplaying for a sales pitch at work. Practice makes perfect and saying the words out loud someone else sets you up for success.
Use the Three Question Rule
I started this a while back, and it’s an extremely simple way to put another person at ease asking questions about what it’s like for you to live with Crohn’s disease.
After telling them about your Crohn’s, give them the opportunity to ask three questions per date for the next few dates. After this, most questions will probably be answered, and conversation is bound to flow more naturally about all aspects of life, including Crohn’s disease. After addressing their questions up front, you can then go about the rest of your date. The conversation can refocus on regular date topics, and you get to enjoy each other’s company.
The idea behind the three question rule, is that you aren’t ignoring the elephant in the room. Instead, you’re giving them space to learn about Crohn’s disease, what it is, how it impacts you, and even how they can help. To take this a step further, by saying: I’ve told you about my health issue, what’s the biggest health concern for you right now? They might not have a chronic disease (though we know the majority of Americans do), but everyone is carrying around something when it comes to health. This shows that you have compassion for what they might be going through.
Be Open About Your Crohn’s
Communication is key in any relationship, but it’s even more important when a chronic condition is part of the picture. If you’re hiding things from the start, the partner you hope to be with is going to always wonder what is going on—wondering if you’re OK, and if you’re keeping something from them. It’s infinitely better to have open communication from the very beginning instead of feeling the need to hide things. Open communication will allow you to build a stronger relationship for the long run. There isn’t a decent person in the world who would say no to that. And if anyone you’re dating hints that they can’t handle who you are an what you have going on, it’s probably better to know that early so you can say good-bye to them before wasting more of your time.
Years ago, when I was facing getting an ostomy and worried how it would affect my dating life, I asked a friend: “What if this all keeps me from meeting the one?’’ Her response was golden: “It’s not going to keep from meeting the one, it’s going to keep you from meeting the wrong one.” Having Crohn’s disease doesn’t make you unlovable. It actually provides a helpful filter, to help you find someone who will be with you through all of life’s ups and downs—just like you would do for them.