Remember when you met your best friend. Maybe you thought their style was cool, or their attitude was infectious. How about your romantic partner? What attracted you first: their smile, their mind, their everything?
It's pretty tough to discuss relationships without considering the role attraction plays but there are lots of factors the influence being attracted to another person. Being physically attracted to someone is just one of the many ways other people can appeal to us.
Attraction is more than a feeling. It's an interest in something or someone. In relationships, attraction is the way connections between two or more people form. Attraction creates a bond. The type and strength of that bond depend on the kind of attraction.
Types of Attraction
Attraction can involve physical, mental, personal, and emotional aspects, among others. Each type of attraction reflects a specific kind of interest. Some common types:
Physical Attraction
This kind of chemistry involves a connection between the physical aspects of two people—you find his chiseled face handsome; her curves excite you.
When you find another person's physical appearance appealing, you may want to hold their hand or hug them. This type of attraction is often based on instinct and can quickly draw people to each other. Experts say relationships based on physical attraction alone won't typically last.
Romantic Attraction
A romantic attraction is the desire for a bond with another person. This attraction does not necessarily involve physical attraction but more of an interest in creating an emotional connection.
“Romantic attraction is seeing the potential for an emotional connection and a relationship with someone,” says Tiarra Faulkner-McKinney, LPCC, NCC, a mental health counselor based in Chicago.
Emotional Attraction
An emotional attraction develops when you are drawn to a person’s mind and spirit. The details of their interests, values, and beliefs connect with yours. An emotional connection does not necessarily include physical or romantic attraction, but it can evolve as a result of deep emotional attraction.
“Showing vulnerability in a relationship helps build emotional attraction,” says Faulkner-McKinney. Feeling seen and heard—the way you might in a close friendship can be a sign of a strong emotional attraction.
Mental Attraction
When a person’s ideas and opinions excite you and you are drawn into deep conversations with them, this is mental attraction.
Admiring someone's intellect or gregarious personality can be signs of a mental attraction. When their mental process appeals—liking the same writers, movies, TV shows, for example—you could be engaging in a mental attraction.
“When you are attracted to how someone shows up in the world, how they think, that can be a sign of compatibility,” says Faulkner-McKinney.
Mental attraction may involve other types of attraction, but the main focus is intellectual stimulation.
Sexual Attraction
Although closely connected to physical attraction, sexual attraction is different. Sexual attraction inspires the desire to engage in sexual activity. Feelings of arousal and lust often come up with this type of attraction. Sexual attraction can develop into other types of attraction, but its core is sexual chemistry.
The Impact of Attraction
Feeling different types of attraction affects your behavior in relationships. When you find another person physically or emotionally attractive, you may also ascribe positive character and personality traits to them. This is called the halo effect, and it can sometimes cloud decisions.
It often guides your overall perception of people without having the personal experience or objective analysis to back it up. For example, you may know of a few things you have in common with someone, then jump to the conclusion they are like you in other ways.
It’s important to be aware of your feelings of attraction and to take time to get to know them before forming judgments or reacting to behavior prematurely.
Attraction and Relationships
Self-awareness and being present with your feelings are key to figuring out what type of attraction you’re feeling in a relationship.
“Take inventory about what you’re feeling,” suggests Faulkner-McKinney. “If it’s physical attraction, your body is responding to the person. If it’s mental attraction, you are stimulated intellectually by the person. What do you feel in those moments that you’re with the person? What’s going on in your mind and body?”
Taking inventory is also helpful in differentiating the type of attraction you feel. You may feel sexual chemistry with a person but not have a desire for a romantic connection. You can also be physically attracted to someone but feel no emotional connection.
People can feel all forms of attraction in a relationship or only one. It all depends on what’s most important for you in sustaining a relationship.
Different types of attraction can develop over time in a relationship, but the most crucial for a successful relationship is having a strong emotional attraction, according to Faulkner-McKinney.
“The emotional safety and vulnerability of emotional attraction is the most important thing for a successful relationship,” she says. “Emotional attraction promotes getting to know each other on a deeper level, and that’s what helps the relationship grow. It helps with the connection on other levels.”
If emotional intimacy is lacking, one or both of you, won't feel connected. Feeling safe, loved, and supported is necessary to sustain physical intimacy in a romantic relationship.
Understanding Attraction
It can be confusing trying to pinpoint what kind of attraction you’re feeling. Attraction can also shift and change over time. Staying present with your feelings and reactions is an effective way to understand what type of attraction you’re feeling.
“It’s good to notice the feelings and the rush of emotions when you’re with someone,” says Faulkner-McKinney. “Even if you can’t identify the feelings in the moment, be intentional about taking time to reflect on the emotional reactions you have to others. Take inventory: What are these reactions and how do they make me feel?”
Learning about yourself—what motivates you and what makes you feel good—is an important step in discovering what attracts you to another person.
Consider the following points:
Do you prioritize sexual connection and the physical aspects of a relationship?
Are mental stimulation and shared interests more important to you?
Do you simply want to desire an emotional and romantic connection without having a sexual relationship?
Answering these kinds of questions will help you figure out what type of attraction you are likely to feel and help you establish boundaries within the relationships you form.
Remember that it’s up to you what type of relationship you develop and what kinds of attraction matter the most. You do not have to form a long-term commitment or any kind of commitment if that doesn’t interest you.
But be aware that attractions and relationships can change. What started out as a casual connection based on sexual attraction can grow into an established relationship based on emotional attraction. Just be sure to create open communication within your relationship about what you feel and desire.
When To Get Help
Sometimes, intense attractions can create unhealthy relationships. If you’re not happy with your relationship or feel that you have formed an attachment that may cause mental, emotional, or physical harm, consider contacting a mental health professional. A counselor or therapist can help you unravel the parts of the relationship that are not healthy.
If you are happy in your relationship but would like it to grow deeper, couples therapy can help you and your partner develop the aspects of attraction that may be missing in your relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions
Attraction is complicated. Different types of attraction work in different ways, and you won’t always experience attraction in the same way every time. One common trigger is spending a lot of time with a person, though this isn’t enough on its own. If you have hobbies or interests in common, share similar beliefs, or like someone’s appearance or behavior, it can lead to attraction. Still, it’s not guaranteed that any or all of these factors will lead to attraction.
Attraction tends to develop in stages, and how this works depends on the type of attraction and the specifics of the situation. These three general stages apply to most situations:
- Meeting: This is when you first get to know someone and before you know them well. This stage is usually low pressure, allows you to get a feel for someone, and helps you figure out whether the interest is mutual. People at this stage are often very curious about the other person.
- Interest: As you spend time with someone or learn more about one another, your relationship might develop into something more defined. By this stage, you’ll probably know the kind of attraction you’re experiencing. There usually isn’t much conflict yet, and you may overlook or minimize the other person’s flaws. It’s also a time when many people try to put their best foot forward to impress the other person.
- Attachment: Eventually, the early excitement or nervousness of a relationship wears off and trust develops in its place. You’re usually more relaxed and understand better what to expect from the other person. At this stage, you might also start to acknowledge conflicts between you and see if they can be effectively resolved.
A biromantic person is someone who is romantically attracted to people of more than one gender identity. This can be attraction to people of any gender, including men, women, and non-binary people. It can also involve a similar kind of sexual attraction, but it doesn’t always. For example, biromantic people aren’t necessarily also bisexual.
Sometimes this term is used the same way as panromantic, which means romantic attraction toward people of any, every, and all genders.
In the heat and excitement of a relationship, especially a new one, it can be hard to tell the difference between simple attraction and love. Love means different things to different people, but a good definition is that love is a feeling that sometimes happens after attraction deepens and there is enduring trust between the people involved.
If you’re not sure if what you’re feeling is love, ask yourself: How well do you really know the other person? Is the relationship positive overall, or are you overlooking signs of incompatibility? Does the other person return your feelings?
It’s a common belief that romantic partners become less attractive to one another in long-term relationships, but this isn’t true for everyone. There’s no limit to how long attraction can last. It might be brief, or might last for the rest of your life. Some people become less attracted to their romantic partners over time, or the kind of attraction they feel might change—especially when the other person changes—but this doesn’t always happen.
Friendship is a non-romantic relationship that can develop out of all different kinds of attraction. Friendships often start from mental and emotional attraction, as people are drawn together because of their ideas or passions. They can involve or develop out of physical and sexual attraction, too. Sometimes, even romantic attraction can lead to friendship, especially if the feelings change over time.
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